It’s Complicated

It;s Complicated
  • Amal Raju

It starts off small.

Love and feelings of affection flow in, boundless and you absorb every last bit of the emotion, immersing in a high that nothing else could ever provide. As an emotion, love may be the most temporary of all. Yet, one may never deny the multifunctional aspects of love – it provides hope like no other, an urge to nurture and provide, a stand of support when all else fails.

Suddenly, climbing Mt.Everest or swimming through the Pacific Ocean didn’t seem too difficult. Extreme emotions credited the best shot of adrenaline and the mental stubbornness of seeing through goals that were once impossible, as even science declares.

Anger may allow you to push that sofa twice your weight, but so will love.

But what happens if love fails?

What happens if what provided you with so much simply failed to be so?


Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the core dilemma of commitment phobia.

Recently, I had the opportunity to discuss this with my friend and she mentioned that she never thought this particular sign of phobia wasn’t real. Sure, you could be scared of spiders. Heights. Water, even. But a relationship? What kind of bodily harm could a relationship possibly do?

Much more think that this is merely an excuse to explain purposeful mistakes and other norms of worse behaviour. While this fact may be true and the name misused by those who scarcely know the meaning of the phrase, even psychological experts declare the existence of such a phenomena.


A commitment-phobe often searches for perfection in any relationship, which is not so bad as we all tend to do so. The problem arises when they can’t stop finding flaws in the other, issues that may be so minute as brushing the teeth in a different manner, which will then incessantly nag their minds. One often attempts to look beyond the flaws and support each other through their difficult times, this being the basic requirement of a healthy relationship.

What may be construed as even worse would be the fact that a commitment-phobe at the beginning of any relationship will be the most attentive, the most loving, the most affectionate and an infinitely available shoulder of support. A beginning of a relationship often promises the thrill, the excitement of exploring new terrain, of being exposed to the adrenaline rush of a new activity and the promise of display of the least amount of flaws, in the hopes of establishing a stable ground for a relationship.

At the next stage would be the grand entrance of a new player. That would be anxiety.

Severe anxiety caused by unnecessary, yet ever present, over-thinking.

What if they don’t love me as much as I do them? Will this particular action display too much of affection at such a stage of our relationship? Should I broach this topic, or should I leave it until a safer time when they are not in a position to yell at me? I need to replace this particular word with the message; it showcases a lot of emotion.

If it is tiring just to read through this, imagine the mental state of a commitment-phobe who hears this 24/7, circulating their mind like a never-ending rollercoaster.

It never is easy.

And once it finally reaches a certain stability, that’s when the fears rise yet again.

Because it is always perfection that they look for. In perfection, you may never have to be afraid to be too vulnerable, too open and in a position that people would hurt you permanently. Wouldn’t it be better to be aloof and unrelated than invested in a twisted manner that only provides negative promises?

Stability will never remain so for long, and there’s nothing more than frightens a commitment-phobe. A fight is sure to happen, hurt is sure to occur and what do you do then? Do I fight for them? Do they want me to fight for them or just leave them? Am I even worth all of this?

Self-doubt and throes of anxiety were far too intermingled to be distinguished separately anymore.

That’s when they retreat completely.

Pain is definite. Flaws will occur, the sun’s brightness will be replaced by the shadowy glimpses of the moon and there would be no turning back from the mental scars it may, or would, cause.


Good luck with a commitment-phobe. In most cases, with those who have severe anxiety, you will turn out lucky. They will not dare approach you because of these thoughts that keep crashing into their minds every minute of each day. They will be forever detached from their emotions and scared of even the slightest indication of affection because they know the ultimate result if they do respond in a similar manner; destruction. Destruction in the finest manner possible that they will end up even more damaged and feel all the more worse for having exposed yourself in such a manner.

However, if you do manage to get them to express and care for you despite all those wreckage within themselves, do consider yourselves slightly lucky. Their fear of losing you will be foremost on their minds. The love they provide would be out of the genuine concern for yourself.

And be careful with them, please.

They break more than you do.

And it is almost impossible to repair.


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