Dear You

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Dear You,

This has been long due.

A slight difference, though. A few months ago, this would have been a letter solely based on love. Adoration. Prayers. Love.

Today?

Today, this letter is of mixed emotions. Love, yes. Anger. Adoration, yes. Guilt and sadness. Irritation. So many feelings that I’d never be able to explain to you.

Ours had been something close to a fairy tale. Known for so long, resonated within each other’s lives within a year and grew inseparable within the few months.

What happened next could only be described as a fall of disgrace. From the beautiful heavens to the reality of Earth’s hard crust.

And I hadn’t expected it to hit so hard.

I realized then, despite all my protectiveness of you, I had been depending on you, too. For a little love, a little affection, some familiarity. Home had never seemed so far away and you were meant to be my home away from home.

Everything overwhelmed me, scared and frightened me. It showed me new sides of myself that I had never known. It all shook me to my core and made me question my beliefs. Shattering self-confidence.

And in midst of all this, you had left me behind.

Ironic because you always complained I was the one who walked fast.

You had moved ahead with blinding speed and I was left stumbling behind. It hurt. Hurt everywhere. My ego. Self pride. Where was the self respecting, proud version of myself that I had treasured so well?  Confident that if all else, at least this attitude would keep me safe.

But I was wrong. Wrong to the point that it hurt to get out of bed each day towards a thankless existence and where talking to somebody brought the worst nightmares.

 

But you never knew all of this.

And I never let you know.

I never blamed you, still don’t. Of course I know why you did all of these actions, I would be nothing short of a blundering fool if I was ever to forget the pain you went through. And this outlet, this was your only hope. How could I take it away from you?

And you were so happy. It pained to see you smiling so widely for others but I looked towards the greater good. And the greater good was to see you enjoying completely. I cared in ways I could. But when it became clear you didn’t want that, I stepped back.

 

Somewhere here, we lost each other.

And now we are unable to find each other anymore.

Sometimes I wonder why. We were so in love, promises of staying together forever echoed in the now empty paths of our relationship.

Could we not get through a couple of months of drifting apart?

I’m sorry.

Sorry that I didn’t fight through for you. Sorry that I didn’t fight past through all these hurdles and stubbornly remain next to you. Sorry for all the cold responses and actions that you faced even when you did try. Sorry that my affection for you never lasted more than a year or so.

It was such a bittersweet cycle.

When I attempted to extend emotions and our rich past, you flinched away harshly. And I had stayed behind, slowly giving up inside; months and months of stewing over those feelings led me far away from you and by the time you had extended a hand, I was unable to show the same reaction.

 

Our present is such a confused muddle of feelings and desires.

It horrifies me that I’m not able to connect with you anymore. Some days are filled with your faults; I get irritated with everything that you do. You have changed utterly. You have begun demanding more attention and you interfere in my affairs way more than what I prefer. I never feel like sharing anything with you and I avoid talking. Some days seems almost like what we used to be, laughing and feeling happy in each other’s company.

But when you’re laughing and you get all cute with me, when we would be gossiping about someone, somewhere in the back of my mind I’m aware that I’m forcing that smile, that little shake of my head that I know you’d like.

I’m so, so, so sorry. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. We were all supposed to end up happy and cheerful. With none of the problems that haunted us so much.

In midst of all this, I forgot, my love. I forgot that life would come in the middle.

And now, I’ve forgotten to love you and every action that you do, from the littlest shrugs to the pouting, have become annoying and I’m disgusted with myself.

You couldn’t feel more disgusted with me than I am with myself right now.

Rest assured, this hasn’t left me any less commitment-phobic than I was before.

I wish you all the best, love.

Someone who loves you just the way you imagine. It hurts that I know exactly what type of person you’d end up loving after all this.

I’ll always watch over you, because there is nothing that would give me more happiness than you finding yourself and what makes you smile.

And I hope, that despite everything, you’ll always remember me as the one who made you smile once upon a time.

 

Sincerely.

Yours.

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