- Amal Raju
Yet another letter. To the one person I had cast away as a broken shard of glass, glittering under the rays of the sun but at the end of the day, considered only as a pretty little object and nothing more. You were that shard of glass, not meant to last and not meant to hold my attention for very long. My attention span is worse than that of a goldfish, so it was surprising to see you around.
It makes me jealous – the way you demand attention from every individual, including the self- proclaimed people-hater that I am. Jealous not only of the way you shower attention and say the right words to all those whom you interact with but also of how others find you as special and intriguing to talk to as I do. I am, after all, a deeply flawed and a singularly possessive person in my own right and this jealousy does not surprise me.
You should have stayed away.
Why did you make so many efforts? Why were you so adamant on showering attention on every single person in your life? Why were all your actions reeking of perfection when all wanted was a single flaw, one tiny flaw, to shine through, so I could finally hate you with all my heart and soul? Why did you show me the scars of the trauma you went through? Why did you make me want to protect you, to nurture you, to love you insanely? Why, when I finally mustered the courage to face the extent of emotions that coursed through me at the mention of your name, did you step back and make me feel even more insignificant than before? Why, why, why?
The contents of my previous letter to you seem to heavily reflect irony now.
It seems childishly innocent when I recall those days I lived peacefully, unaware of the emotional hurricane I’d have to experience eventually; those days when I did imagine happier scenarios but survived under the wonderful, maybe painful, yet the delightful prospect of it being a one-sided emotion and nothing else. I could have survived, you know? I would have. I would have done so, under the pretty dreamt up scenarios influenced by books, movies, and daily life. And now? Every written word, every touch of the fingertips between actors and every couple contently sitting on a park bench remind me heavily of what could have been. Possibly, maybe, could have, probably, almost. They all spin around in my head and I’m half-drive to insanity.
I’m now laughably envious of the characters of the written word; how could they profess their love in 5 chapters when I have failed to in 5 months or more?
It is my fault – all of it, every single aspect. A gem like you, once discovered, would never be wasted away, and in there lies my fatal flaw. Slow reactions, hidden emotions, and everlasting hurt – these characteristics will now and forever mark my existence and I shamefully will do nothing about it. Not because I can’t, because I’ll simply sit there and make sure you leave my hands, in the most masochistic way possible. In more ways than one, this fear that stops me from exploring and taking steps forward is an absolutely disgusting, invasive and terrifying phenomenon. But one, that is in no hurry to go anywhere. It was born with me and it’ll die with me.
I’m afraid; afraid of so many things, of whether I’d lose you, or whether I’d lose myself in the wide labyrinth of complex emotions, of whether this was even necessary for my fight for survival. But like a child standstill in his innocent beliefs, I believe in you. I believe in us. This realization will do no good, for I know as painfully as you do, that I shall do nothing about it until faced with an ultimatum, the immature, ashamed creature that I’m.
Foolishly, I try to achieve some kind of closure from this weird connection I shared with you – not the easiest task and frankly, very stupid; how were you supposed to stop thinking about that one person one fine day when it feels s like they have occupied your thoughts since forever, sparking up in every conversation and every thought and scenario? How, when all you had with that person was a couple of phone calls, some messages, and memories that extended for only a couple of days, even if it felt like years?
My future had been set in my vision – a good job, money, travel, and no visible weaknesses. Vulnerabilities, whether physical or mental, were strictly frowned upon. But through the barrier you came, your arrival ranging from the state of my mind; in my weakest moments, I accuse you of bashing those walls just to get in and then leave me further destroyed than I was before; in those nostalgic moments, I can’t help but connect you to a warm summer breeze that fondled me and attended to me like no other, leaving me in an array of pleasurable mess.
For now, you’ll stay. In my mind, heart, and soul. As the one who struck it first, to stay and nurture, to spark those emotions never found before and to refine my vision that I see everything in a new, bright light. There will be a tinge of sadness, not to be denied. But I’m trying now, as I know I’ll try forever and ever. This will be my lesson, against the arrogance I held of being able to keep away from the throes of love and emotion if you stayed cold and aloof at all times.
You taught me that love is not easy and when you least expect it, it’ll encroach upon you and there is nothing to do except to cry under the invisible pain that it puts upon you, while trying to smile so that nobody will ever know what went wrong.
You showed me, love. And that, I’ll never forget.